I am not responsible for how he decides to feel. My husband who chose to fall into that dark pit might or might not consider himself as “the victim” of an affair, but, again, that would be his choice. You have to re-program the thinking and responses.įirst I would like to say that I am not “the victim” of an affair. Grieving is saying goodbye to the lover in your head. Dragging out an ending makes for a slow painful process. That does not mean that you need to say your good-byes to the person. Trying to rush the grieving brings problems as well. It allows for a ‘recalibration’ of emotions, attention and heart. Although many people try to hurry the grief, it must be given time. With the end of the relationship comes the end of the hopes, dreams, fantasies, and optimism that originally came with the relationship. You loose part of yourself as the relationship dies. Likewise loosing a relationship is painful. Not that the booze was good for them, it played the role of a friend. Even in the recovery community, the support groups often talk of the grieving over the loss of the booze. With the death of a relationship, there is grief and mourning. In some cases, more than one relationship dies. If you are the victim of an affair you can choose to remain angry and combative during this stage, or you can be supportive and helpful.Įxcellent topic! When an affair ends, a relationship dies. But you can’t even get on that road if you can’t get the affair partner out of your brain and get past the grief. Surviving infidelity and rebuilding the passion in your marriage after ending an affair can take time and hard work, and there will be many bumps along the road. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.” You had passion for your spouse at some point in your relationship. Wikipedia defines passion as an “emotion applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion isn’t necessarily all about sex either. Additionally, you should wipe any possible triggers from your computer like emails, Facebook, etc.Īfter doing these things it is imperative to try to rebuild the passion in your relationship with your spouse. Get rid of the pictures, gifts and letters. After a good cry, eliminate all the triggers that will constantly remind you of the other person. Allow yourself to feel the pain initially after the affair. Amen suggests taking time to write out the bad times and your ex’s bad points and focus on them to help soothe the pain.Ĭry, then hide the pictures. It impairs the grieving process and makes one hurt more. By focusing on a person’s good qualities, the pain will increase. Instead, exercise more and spend time with your spouse (if possible) and family or friends.ĭo not idealize the other person. Avoid the typical reactions to grief such as isolating yourself, eating and drinking too much or wallowing in your sorrow. Amen offers a few tips on how to survive the loss of a love: That is why they tend to have a hard time breaking things off completely – or if there is any contact at all, the affair can start up again.ĭaniel Amen, M.D., author of “The Brain in Love,” states that there are actual physical changes in the brain that reflect this grief. These emotional pains can make it very difficult for the cheating spouse to stay away and completely give up their affair partner. Just as the victim of a marital affair deals with the triggers that jump start painful memories from their spouse’s affair, so too does the cheating spouse feel the emotional pains after they have ended the affair whenever thoughts of their affair partner surface due to certain triggers. Recently we have blogged about infidelity as an addiction, and many of the comments and emails that we have received mention how hard it is for a cheater to not only leave their affair partner after ending an affair, but also to get over them sufficiently enough to move on to save the marriage.Īnytime that we lose a love, whether we are the one who leaves, or we are left by another, there is pain that often leaves lasting wounds. Cheaters can have a rough time getting over their affair partners.
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